Kaiba's Shotgun
by Phoenix87
Summary: It’s finally happened; Kaiba. Has. Snapped. And unfortunately for those around him, he has a gun. My co-Authoress, KaibasRose, and my idea of what would happen if the usually unshakeable Seto Kaiba went nuts. Trust us it’s funny! (One Shot Completed)


Note from the Authors: This is what happens when you confine two authoress in one room for an extended about of time. Enjoy. (Takes place right after Battle City. Kaiba Ooc-ness but that's the point. Tea-Bashing)

**Kaiba's Shotgun!**

KaibasRose – Wow! That's a pretty catchy title!

Phoenix- Well that's what we were going for right?

KR- Yeah. But ya know, I'm kinda worried. C'mon, Kaiba with a gun!

Phe- I know what you mean! Especially with that temper of his…

Kaiba: _at the top of his lungs_ I HAVE NO TEMPER!

KR- I think I need to go get my bulletproof clothes on…I'm scared! But think of it this way- he'll never lose again!

Phe- spoken like a true Kaiba fangirl! _pulls on her bullet proof vest_

KR- Proud of it!

Phe- Shall we start the story now? _hands her co-authoress a swat helmet_

KR- I suppose so. Kaiba? Marik? Bakura? One of you want to do the disclaimer?

Bakura: _is busy frying ants with a magnifying glass_

Kaiba: _just doesn't want too_

Marik: Fine. _clears his throat_ hey stupid people! They don't own Yugioh…DUH! If they did, do you honestly think they'd waste their time entertaining you?

- - -

Kaiba sulked around his mansion still depressed after the events of Battle City. That stupid Yugi and his friends! They were the pains of his existence. If only they would-

"Big brother!!!"

Kaiba snapped his head around at the sound of his little brother's voice.

"Yes Mokuba?"

His brother came around the corner dragging a huge cardboard box, that looked like it was past it's holding capacity, behind him.

"I was cleaning some of my old toys out of my room to put in the basement, but it's too heavy for me to bring down the stairs. Will you do it?"

"Of course." Kaiba replied and bent down to pick up the box. "Uff. What's in here Mokuba, Rocks?"

"Just some old junk…and a brick."

Kaiba stopped and stared at his brother questionably. His little brother just shrugged.

"Riiiight well get the door will you?"

Mokuba ran ahead and held open the door for his brother. Kaiba started to carefully make his way down the stairs, but unfortunately for everyone's favorite CEO, one of the steps was loose and very wobbly. When Kaiba stepped on it he lost his footing and slid down the stairs, the box flying from his hands. The box itself flew into other stacked boxes causing a cardboard avalanche on top of Kaiba.

"Seto!" Mokuba said racing down to his brother's aid, "Are you okay?"

Kaiba blinked a couple times and tried to get up, but something heavy was on his chest. He reached up and pulled the offending object off him; it was a gun! An old double barrel shot gun! Why in the hell was this in his basement?

"Seto why is that here?" Mokuba asked in the same train of thought.

"I don't know. What box did it come from?"

Mokuba pointed to a shabby box that was now flipped over on the concrete floor. Kaiba got up and went over to the box, bending down he fished out the rest of it's contents. Inside there were some old photographs and musty hunting trophies. Kaiba gently blew some of the caked dust off the pictures. He almost gasped; Mokuba did. They were pictures of Gozoburo (A/N please don't wine to us that his name is spelt wrong because there are like 5 different ways to spell this name! It drove me crazy!) and some friend of his on a hunting trip.

"This must have been our stepfather's old hunting gun, Mokuba." Kaiba said. He looked closer at the photo; yep it was the same gun in the picture. He reached into the box again and felt another smaller box inside. Drawing it out he saw that it was bullets. "You know," he said more thinking out loud, "I heard that some people find firing ranges relaxing. I think I'll try it."

"Are you sure big brother?"

"Well everyone always tells me that I need to relax, and smile, and don't be so 'uptight' and blah blah blah. And I'd rather try this then that spa thing Tea was yakking to Mai about the last time I overheard them."

Mokuba nodded and followed his brother up the stairs.

- - -

The next afternoon the elder Kaiba was at the firing range. He pulled the huge earmuffs over his ears and loaded the old shoot gun.

"Pull!" he yelled and soon a disk was flying threw the air. He took aim and fired. The force of the weapon was impressive, the disk exploded and Kaiba himself was jerked back from the fire. He whistled slowly. This was fun.

"Pull!" he yelled again.

- - -

Kaiba came back that night at 10pm. As he walked inside Mokuba rushed up, hugged him with suffocating strength, then sighed with relief.

"Where have you been big brother? It's been hours!"

"I was at the shooting range."

"For the whole day?"

"It was fun." He smiled and went up to his room.

"Fun?" Mokuba repeated in surprise

- - -

Mokuba awoke the next morning and couldn't find his brother.

"Seto where are you?" he yelled in frustration. He wasn't in his room, he wasn't in his office, and he wasn't in his study.

"Out here Mokuba" called Kaiba

"Your OUTSIDE?!" Mokuba gasped in disbelief. But that was nothing to what he saw when he entered the patio. His brother was stretched out on a lawn chair, a pair of sunglasses covering his blue eyes and a glass of orange juice beside him, little umbrella and all.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm polishing my gun." The elder Kaiba replied not looking up from his polishing rag.

"Don't you have work to do?"

"Work can wait."

Okay now Mokuba was feeling a bit faint.

"Ooookay well I'll leave you alone then." Mokuba said and returned to the house.

Kaiba shrugged and stretched his arms above his head. He looked out at his huge backyard. A rabbit was munching on some flowers that his gardener had planted.

'Stupid rabbit.' He thought.

The rabbit stopped and looked at him as it he had heard the young man's thoughts. Kaiba took of his sunglasses and peered at the rabbit. It was glaring at him! With his beady little purple eyes. It…was…mocking him! And what was on its fuzzy little chest? A golden triangle. Kaiba's eyes popped open. It was…Yugi sent that rabbit here to mock him! Wasn't it enough that Yugi defeated him on top of his own tower? Now he has to send this Yugi rabbit to spy on him? Well he wouldn't have it! He snatched up the gun and set his sights on Yugi-rabbit.

**BANG!**

The horrible Yugi-rabbit was gone forever.

"SETO!!!" Mokuba screamed running out of the house.

"Wah-who Mokuba!" Kaiba said leaping up from his chair, "that was a big one! Mount it on the wall will ya?"

Mokuba looked at him like he was crazy

"What the-" Kaiba saw another rabbit beside the pool, it was yellow…and it was an idiot as it tried to play with it's reflection. "Wheeler rabbit!" Kaiba screamed and ran towards the pool.

**BANG!**

Mokuba heard Kaiba laugh.

'Uh-oh.' He thought

Threw the gunfire Mokuba managed to hear the phone ring. He ran inside the house and picked up the receiver praying that it wasn't the police.

"Hello?" he said

"Hey is this Kaiba?!"

"It's A Kaiba."

"Well I want the Priest Kaiba!" the voice yelled shrilly.

"Okay, okay just a sec." Mokuba stuck his head out the door, "SETO PHONE!"

"DIE TEA SQUIRRLE!"

**BANG!**

"Okay Mokuba, coming!"

Kaiba ran into the house and grabbed the phone.

"Hello, you send them and I'll shot them." He said. Mokuba slapped himself on the forehead.

"Kaiba?"

"Yeah who's this?"

"Marik."

"And you want?"

"I heard gunshots, what's going on over there?"

"Oh I'm blowing shit up. Want to come over?"

"Hell Yeah! Can I bring Bakura?"

"Why not?"

"Be there in a sec!"

A few minutes later the doorbell rang. Kaiba answered it to the 2 most psychotic people that ever graced the earth, Marik and Bakura.

"I hope you don't mind, we brought our own weapons as well!" Marik said swinging his machete around. Bakura held up his 'weapon' sadly. It was a slingshot.

"My stupid light keeps getting rid of all my good weapons." He sighed

"My light was to interested in some Lord of the Rings movie to even care that I was leaving." Marik said.

-cut to Malik's house

"Get'em Aragorn!" Malik yelled at the screen, "Protect Helms Deep!"

_poof_

_The authoresses are now on the couch beside him_

Phoenix: ohhhhh Helms Deep! I love this part!

"What are you doing here?" Malik asked in annoyance

KaibasRose: Legolas and popcorn what else?

Malik shock his head and turned back to the TV. The elf was sliding down the stairs on a shield shooting orcs.

KR and Phe: EEEEEEEEEEEE PAUSE IT!

-Back to the Kaiba mansion

Kaiba looked at the Yamis and their weapons.

"Okay cool."

"Hey Marik check it out," Bakura said pointing out the window. Yugi and company were walking down the street toward the house.

"Oh this is too perfect." Kaiba said with an evil grin, "lets go mess with them." He cocked his gun.

"Yeah!" Marik cried and high fived Bakura.

They marched out the door in single file and blocked the sidewalk the group was strolling down. Yami held up his hand signaling everyone in his group to come to a halt.

"Hello Kaiba, Marik, Bakura." He said politely- too politely, "What is the meaning of this visit?"

"Well I just wanted to tell Tea that I have a new friend." Kaiba answered with a smirk

"Really?!" Tea asked excitedly

"Yes, want to meet him? His name is Mr. Double Barrel Shot Gun!" Kaiba said and flung the gun out from behind his back.

"Yikes!" Tristan yelled, "is that thing loaded?"

"Want to find out?"

"Erm, lets all calm down." Yugi said carefully

"I have a friend too- it's a machete!" Marik yelled ignoring the shorter duelist

"Not as creative but effective non the less." Kaiba said with a shrug.

Now everyone looked at Bakura

"I have a slingshot." He deadpanned

"Well, I'm sure that's…harmful." Ever-helpful Yugi put in

"I'll show you!" Bakura cried. He snatched up a rock and flung it at Yugi. It bounced off the young man's head with enough force to knock Yugi over. "Take that!"

"Bakura!" Ryou exclaimed, "what does it take to stop you from hurting people?"

Bakura shrugged

"Unconsciousness?"

"Yugi! Yugi are you okay?" Yami cried bending down near his light

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Good, now I'm going to kill Bakura."

Yami got back up and ran at full force at Bakura knocking him to the ground.

"Hey!" Marik cried and was about to take a swing at Yami, but Joey and Tristan tackled him to the ground before the blow connected. Marik flung Joey away from him and the blond landed right at Kaiba's feet. To his surprise Kaiba held out his hand and help him up.

"What's da game rich boy?" Joey demanded

"Nothing, I've turned over a new leaf."

"I don't believe you."

"I have some candy, want some?"

"I don't see any bags"

"That's because it's not in a bag."

"Then were is it?"

"Right here in the barrel" Kaiba replied lifting the gun up, "Why don't you take a peek inside and see if you can find it? I think it's a Jolly Rancher."

Joey gave him a strange look.

"I'm completely serious."

"Well…" Joey contemplated. Joey knew that Kaiba must be lying, but what if Kaiba knew he would think he was lying so there was really candy in there and this was all to make him look like an idiot?

In the mist of all this abnormal thinking from Joey the fight raged. Ryou was doing his best to pry his Yami off Yugi's while Tea and Yugi were trying to stop Marik from removing Tristan's pointy-head with the giant knife.

"Bakura! Bakura STOP!" Ryou yelled and whacked him on the head with a fallen tree branch.

"Damn-it Ryou!" Bakura stood up, picked Ryou up by the shirt and deposited him into a large dumpster in a near by alley.

"HEY!" Ryou yelled banging on the lid, "It's really dark in here! And-" he paused, "there are RATS!"

Bakura laughed, that is until his head was slammed into the dumpster by Yami.

"Pharaoh!" Bakura cried and spun around once more.

"No really Joey," Kaiba continued, "it's a Jolly Rancher. And you better get it out soon, you know how sticky they get when there in the heat too long and these barrels are really heating up in this sun."

"I don't know…"

"I'll even lift it up to my shoulder so you can reach in better." He placed the gun into shooting position. "See?"

Joey peered into the barrel

"I don't see noth'in."

"It's WAY back." Kaiba snickered and placed his finger on the trigger. Just as he pulled it, Bakura and Yami smashed into him. The gun jerked sideways blasting off the middle spike of Yami's hair due and creating a lovely little circle in Tristan's triangle of gelled hair that happened to be in the path of the rouge bullet as well. There was complete silence until-

"That WASN'T a Jolley Rancher!" Joey exclaimed

"Well DUH!" Kaiba yelled back

"But-" Joey started

"Wait." Kaiba aimed the gun at the sky and fired. A crow fell to the ground at Joey's feet.

"DAMN SPIES!" Kaiba yelled at the bird's body

"Oookay, time to go." Joey said and started to back up slowly.

But Yami was too distracted

"My hair, my beautiful hair…what happened to my hair?" he burst into tears. Tristan stuck his index finger threw the hole in his spike.

"I know what you mean man."

"Um…I'm still in this dumpster." Ryou called

Joey kept backing up until he tripped on something behind him. He fell flat on his back with a slam but when he looked at the object that tripped him he screamed; it was Tea's head.

"Oh yeah," Marik said wiping some blood off his machete and onto his shirt nonchalantly, "I decapitated her a few minutes ago."

Kaiba shrugged, Bakura laughed.

"MY HAIR!" Yami wailed

"It's okay," Yugi said, "it will grow back."

"Here I'll help!" Marik said and sliced off Yugi's middle spike, then handed it to Yami. "Just glue it on!"

"MY HAIR!" Yugi screamed

"I'm still in the DUMPSTER!"

Suddenly sirens filled the air.

"STOP WHERE YOU ARE!"

Everyone froze where they were and stared at the police cars that now surrounded them. Kaiba, Marik and Bakura quickly put their weapons behind their backs.

"Yes officers?" Kaiba asked innocently.

"You three! Put the weapons down!"

The psychos all looked at each other and set their weapons on the ground.

"Take care of them boys." The police chief said. Out of a tall white van came several strong looking men, three of them carrying a large bulky object.

Before they could react, the guys were being held tightly by the men from the white van.

"Hey! What is this? Let go of me!" Bakura yelled struggling against the men.

"We'll take you somewhere nice and quiet."

"LET ME GO OR I'LL SEND YOU TO THE SHADOW REALM!"

"Clearly a level 5 schizophrenic." One of the men whispered to his friend

"Definitely!"

They unfolded the object, which turned out to be a 'hug-yourself-cuz-your-crazy' white jacket. Marik and Bakura were both quickly restrained, Kaiba on the other hand laughed evilly and started to run.

"You won't catch me!!!" he said fully crazed. He ran around weaving in and out of everyone. Finally he grabbed his shotgun again and fired it. Yami collapsed.

"YAMI!" Yugi yelled to the now unconscious Yami.

Joey stared at the small thing that hit Yami.

"Hey! A Jolly Rancher!" he quickly shoved it in his mouth. "MMMMmmmmmmm strawberry! NO! watermelon!"

Meanwhile:

**"YES! HE'S GONE! I'LL NEVER LOSE NOW! I _WIN_! I _WIN_! I _WIN_!"** Kaiba yelled

Finally the men caught him and wrestled the jacket on him.

"Do you think he'll be okay?" one of the men asked

"Jeremiah was a bullfrog. Dun-dun-dun!" Kaiba mumbled

"Probably not. They never are." Another replied

"Was a good friend of mine…"

"DUN-DUN-DUN!" Bakura yelled

"Never understood a single word he said, but I helped him drink his wine." Marik sung.

"AND HE ALWAYS HAD SOME MIGHTY FINE WINE!" they all sang together.

The men helped them into the van as they sang.

"JOY TO THE WORLD! ALL THE BOYS AND GIRLS. JOY TO THE FISHES IN THE DEEP BLUE SEA, JOY TO YOU AND ME!"

The van pulled away and out of sight.

"You kids alright?" the police chief asked the very shaken up Yugi gang.

Yugi looked to the decapitated body of Tea then to Yami who had just regained consciousness.

"Yep we're okay!"

Quickly they hurried to the game shop.

The police looked at Tea's head and body.

"Sir what are we to do with this?"

"Just drop it in the dumpster."

They picked up the body and unlatched the dumpster. As quickly as they could they heaved the body inside and shut it tight again so as not to let the rats out.

"Somebody grab the head!"

An officer grabbed it by the hair and started to the dumpster. Unfortunately he dropped it and it bounced off his shoe into the side of the dumpster with a heavy thud.

Now blood was pouring from the broken nose. He shrugged and dropped it next to the body into the dumpster as quickly as he could.

The police headed back toward their cars when they heard screams coming from the dumpster.

"You think we should go see what that is?"

"Nah. It's probably just a reflex from the girl's body. You know, like when the chicken still runs around after being decapitated."

"Oh, okay."

They hopped in their cars and left.

-At the Game Shop.

"Well that was…interesting." Yugi commented

"I wonder what made money bags flip like that?" Joey asked

"Probably his last duel with Yug, you know how that guy hates to lose." Tristan said trying to comb-over his hair just right to cover up the hole.

Yami nodded and sat down on the couch still slightly out of it from his near death experience with the Jolly Rancher.

"Uh…Yug? You got any of those Jolly Ranchers? I gotta have another one!" Joey asked.

"Top box above the sink in the kitchen."

A calm descended over the group after Joey left to the kitchen.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door.

Yugi jumped to get it, swung the door open and saw Ryou standing in front of him.

"Ryou? Where have you been? Did you go home or something? Woah…what happened to you?"

One leg of Ryou's pants was chewed off, and there was blood in his hair and all over his clothes. Unexpectedly he slammed his fist into Yugi's face.

"I WAS IN THE DAMN DUMPSTER WITH A CORPSE!"

He threw his hand up in anger and left. Yugi now lye unconscious on the floor.

"I found the Jolly Ranchers! Anyone want one?" Joey asked returning. "What happened to Yug?"

"Long story." Tristan said shaking his head.

"Oh…Yami? Want a Jolly Rancher? CATCH!"

He tossed the Jolly Rancher at Yami and it landed on the armrest next to his head. Yami start at it flashbacks filling his mind.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

End.


End file.
